I won’t make this about Larry King, per se, as I do not know the man and they’re plenty that will make something about it, claiming to know him. I simply use it as my lead in for questions that I have had for years now. For instance what makes a person marry so often and why would people marry them? Are they such romantics that when it comes to affairs of the heart they are simply blind sided?
I have been married for 40 plus years but could never in a 100 years put the person that I chose to spend my life with, through the pain that I have watched so many other wonderful people suffer through, by divorcing him. I think it is safe to say, that those of us that stay married have at one time or the other considered or at least looked at divorce as an option but instead we take a deep breath and regain our strength to go on with the commitment that we made. To some, our word has a greater influence on staying married than with others, is the conclusion, that I have drawn.
The idea that both agree to the divorce may be a concept that would make divorce palatible to some, but I sincerely, doubt that they do. It is only when their word means nothing or that there has been so much pain, as a rule, that both agree to the divorce. I would imagine that if the two of you realize you have nothing in common, or he/she cheats often enough, or the two of you turn into worse people together than what you are alone then there might be something to the idea of mutual agreement to a divorce. It is hard for me to believe though, that there hasn’t been a lot of pain or anxiety prior to reaching mutual agreement. I accept,that regardless of the situation, there are always those that do break the mold though, and anything is possible once, even mutual agreement.
The thing is that this circumstance is not going to happen 7 times and may only happen once. I truly have felt that loved ones suffer worse pain generated by divorce than many times is generated by death. When a mate dies, a person at least has the option to grieve, accept their loss and look back on the good memories. A person that divorces, taking into consideration one of them was ready and willing to love the other for a lifetime, as a rule needs to lose the memories in order to heal.
There is always the difficulty that makes a person that suffers through the pain of divorce, to ultimately question what they could have done differently or what is wrong with them and they not only have to give up their future but they also have to give up their past in order to move on. How can one person have such little empathy or respect for the person they profess to love, that they would cause that person such pain?
I can certainly see that a person that gets tired of the beatings or the control freaks or the liars wanting out and certainly there are grounds for divorce. Thank God that divorce is a possibility for victims. I do not have any problems with understanding that people are and can be very nasty and mean to each other, but often times those marriages are the one that last, out of fear, until someone kills the other.
I have heard marriages end however, because he is no fun anymore, she/he got sick and act old, he leaves the stool up and even more petty characterizations that get used when people discover that they are not either going to be able to change,control or manipulate the person that they married. The big one is “we just do not love each other, anymore.” I hate to tell you, if that is the case, more than likely they never did.
Some women, especially, dream of their weddings and put much more thought into it that they do looking at the character of the person they are going to marry. And for Heaven sakes—Does anyone really want to marry a person that will allow themselves to be hurt or is willing to hurt someone else five or six, or seven times? The percentages are great that if a person can go through that many divorces without pain then they are either narcisists or sociopaths with the ability to love no one other than themselves. If not they are addicted to being a victim and no one will make them happy because they really do enjoy being a victim
I’m always amazed with the people that divorce because they are sick of his drinking or her drinking. Didn’t it dawn on you that when he was falling down drunk or you were carrying her to the car because she was passed out, while dating them that they might also drink after marriage? What about the people that marry people that drop out of highschool, have done time in jail, or works part time while living with mommy and daddy and then complain because they are tired of never having anything after they married? Didn’t it ocur to them that there probably wasn’t much ambition there or at the very least some really red flags were waving?
Even though the most important decision a person will ever make in their entire lifetime, is marriage, more times than not lust, not love, wins out and leads to the marriage happening and then turns it’s ugly face to another person and becomes the excuse to divorce.
To truly love someone means that more times than not we ourselves will make the sacrifices necessary to make sure that we do not ever hurt the person that we promise to love, cherish and to hold dear for the rest of our lives. No matter how long it takes to get what we oursleves would like to have. Even though all rational people,understand that there will be times that we do hurt each other, because we are human.
We make sacrifices because it is more important to see them happy than ourselves happy. We do not need to be paid or to accept money in order to make the sacrifices as we make them from the joy of loving them. If they truly love us as we do them the biggest arguments we will have will be over which of us will make the sacrifice necessary, instead of one always making them. We know that most things that are delayed are better enjoyed later, anyway. True love grows, it does not weaken. We may all need distance from time to time but it never lasts as to be gone too long means we become too lonely for each other. We know that if we make them happy we will be happy because they are that important to us.
It should never be “I’m horny–lets get married”; “Honey, I’m pregnant, we need to get married”; “Look at that wedding dress don’t you love it! If we don’t marry now the dress will be out of style” ; “He/she lives at home now but they want to move out”, if ambition is important in a mate to you; or “When he gets out of jail, we are going to get married. He didn’t do it” if character is important to you; And finally his/her first mate did not understand them” as I guarantee you it won’t be that long and they will be saying the same thing about you.
First and foremost, answer the question, “What is important to me in a mate” and then find them and pay attention to what they say and do and not to what you say and do. It is not a manner of some people just finding the only good person out there, because they are more lucky than you are. There are still more good people than bad in this world and the good are as impatient with finding the right person as you are to find him/her.
Never settle as all the scum always settles either on the top or the bottom and when it thickens it also entraps. It is a much happier life to be free! If you do wish marriage though, pay attention to the red flags when they warn you while you date. As Mayuo Angelo says, “People will show you who they are, let them.” That is wisdom worth repeating over and over and over again.