“It’s not you, it’s me,” is the biggest break up line that is used or heard, by all of us, who are in and out of relationships.More times than not, there is a great deal of truth to it, and we ourselves, are totally confused as to why this relationship,that we had so many hopes for, has failed.Other times, we/they knew it was doomed from the start and the words “It’s not you, it’s me” often are used to let someone we/they have dated or been with,for a while, down easy. It is equal to,”can we still be friends?”
When we understand there is more truth to it than not, we will be wise to examine ourselves to discover why it is that we cannot commit or are willing to settle for less than what we deserve. If that is not the problem, it is quite possible our alarms were going off and it is a good thing we got out of the relationship.
Other times we/they were just stringing us/them along, because we/they were lonely and had hopes that,maybe, if we/they gave us/them a chance, something could work out. Other times, we/they may be fearful of the aggression or anger in us/them, so we/they try to spare ourselves or themselves from the anger, as well.
If you follow or read my posts then you understand that I always encourage ourselves to take responsibility for the role we play in relationships.I do not do that because I feel we are always wrong or at fault. I do that because it is so much easier to deal with pain and heal from it, once we understand that not all relationships are meant to last, and we understand our own motives.If we are looking for less than what we establish as our goals, or have placed the bar so high as to be unattainable for any human to achieve,we need to know both about ourselves,first.
Many times people are placed in our lives to teach us and to learn from them, so we quit repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and unless we evaluate ourselves, as to why we keep inviting the same type of person into our lives, we will never change the pattern.
It is hard enough to be betrayed or hurt once by someone without allowing them to hurt us over and over again, because we end up hating them and obsessing over it, for months or sometimes years. Each time we express hate and anger towards another we hurt ourselves one more time, because we fail to realize that it is many times ourselves, who we are angry at, since we were warned or recognized something was wrong, but ignored the warnings anyway.
We often feel we can handle the problem or allow others to mistreat us, and then later become upset at ourselves, because we find that it was a far greater problem than what we were prepared to deal with.By harboring hate against another, we many times harbor unrest against ourselves,as well.
When we do this,especially when it is the father or mother of our child or children, those who are the closest to us more times than not, are hurt by our obsessing as well.All the ranting and raving that we are doing is teaching our children that people of the other gender, will hurt us,so therefore they can’t trust anyone to the point that they will find they are going into relationships looking for and finding fault,many times, where fault does not even exist.
Too often, both we and they will dismiss relationships that are with honorable people because we/they go looking for the jerks since we have taught them as well as ourselves, that every one of the opposite gender, is a jerk or a bitch anyway, so we might as well let these people into our lives. Other times they will choose these people, looking for the love they felt they lost out on with their absent parents. Other times we and they will sell themselves or ourselves short, thinking they or we are damaged goods, and do not deserve any better.
We often hear people ask,”Do I have a jerk magnate attached somewhere?” If we are opposite of the person who does not learn to trust and are too trustworthy,the answer is sometimes,” yes,”and can be comparable to those who fail to trust.
The thing a jerk looks for, in their next relationship, is how easy we are to con or manipulate.If we are afraid of hurting other people’s feelings it will stand out as a “sore thumb”, to those who are only looking for someone to believe their bag of lies,hard luck stories, or they are planning on using us. Many women as well as men will check out our financial status before and then pretend to bump into us, when it has been planned from the beginning.
Other times we may be the type of person who responds well to having our ego stroked or to romance. They will pick up on that as well and flood us with compliments and roses followed by candle lit dinners. Other times they are only looking for the thrill of the challenge and will disappear once they can add another notch to their belts.
The reality of life is that not all people are nice people. Many are narcissists either giving the appearance of or living financially successful lives, because they are experts at getting what they want for themselves. Others will betray us,while others seek out the vulnerable to use, so they never have to work a day in their lives. Sometimes they are very charming and good-looking and can peel the clothes right off of us, but it does not change the fact that their motives are deceitful.
Not all people are deliberately devious,on the other hand,either. In many cases people simply do not learn common courtesy and are insensitive by nature, because they have not been exposed to living any differently.Many a husband or wife has had to provide what was missing in the life of their spouse, due to the lack of direction or maturity in taking responsibility, prior to meeting them.
We cannot provide them with what we think is/was missing, however, unless they recognize they need help and wish us to. We can only offer guidance according to the needs and understanding of both people co-operating. We will not fix or control them to get our own needs met or to force our parent’s idea of what works, on them, without having disastrous results.
Since neither we or our spouse are our parents or their parents,but instead two separate individuals, we need to establish a more amenable set of rules, to be able to conform to the new awareness of our generation, for our own sake and that of our children.If one of us came from an overly strict household where another came from a home that allowed more self-expression, then we need to reach an agreement on what rules to keep or which to discard.
We need to compete with the current generation in which we live by determining the mixture of morality from both of our homes, that we both agree to keep as a couple.Every couple needs to agree on and establish their own value system in order to keep confusion out of the lives of their children.
To go into a relationship,thinking differently, when we neither know who we are or if our own parenting reasoning is sound, often means that we will not know if what we find lacking or missing in them, is not our own interpretation, when in truth, they are the better prepared to help us, if we do not understand ourselves.It takes mutual respect of both our differences as well as our likes along with the person we are or are meant to be, to determine what will work best in any relationship. It is when we make demands on another to be someone they are not, we need to take responsibility for our own mistakes.
When we understand the differences, because we are better grounded ourselves,we will be able to distinguish between the naive,the confused and the deliberate, unless we come from a similar background.If neither of us have been taught morality then we need to establish a new set of rules. In that case we may both be helped by tuning in more to our own short comings and changing that part of ourselves in an effort to teach our children the importance of character. Compassion and empathy for each other, or the lack of it, will usually show through and are hard to disguise, long-term.If we cannot offer both we will usually find that both will be slow to be returned to us.
If we all know and understand ourselves first, then we will know the difference between what makes us respond or react. When our feelings are mixed up and confused then we need to use our common sense and reasoning.Common sense will tell us if we are confused when we do not refuse to listen to it.
No one human being has not been hurt as a result of making assumptions that were wrong when it comes to matters of the heart.We are not different or unique or stupid in doing the same. It does us no good to get down on ourselves when we do make a mistake,but we do need to learn from our mistakes by dealing with ourselves. Sometimes we will need to talk to someone who has been where we are and who can help us reason more clearly.We need to avoid those who we know are not good for us instead of seeking them out.
I am tired of seeing the true losers in life, destroy good people who are sometimes at the wrong place at the wrong time. Any time we are vulnerable because we have not allowed ourselves to grieve from the lost of a loved one,our health, or income, then we need to be exceptionally careful before making rash decisions.
When we understand our own strength and weaknesses, then we will understand where and when we need to protect ourselves and forget about hurting the feelings of those who have ulterior motives. When we do we will recognize those who operate on both payback as well as their own agendas only.
Unless we can get rid of the false bravado that too many of us carry, that it will never happen to us, because we are too smart, we will not learn to trust our own instincts. By understanding that bad things can happen to good people, we will take the blame off of ourselves and instead accept that we were unprepared but will make certain we will not repeat the same mistakes again.
Too many times it is as simple as our being in the wrong place at the wrong time emotionally or mentally,because we were not prepared or did not even know there would be risk. My posts are about learning that we can trust, once we trust the fact that we have prepared ourselves through knowledge of ourselves instead of wasting time blaming others.
Unless we take full responsibility for our own self as well as our own behavior, from rising in the morning to retiring at night, we leave a door open for jerks to enter. We will commonly know someone else’s girlfriend or boyfriend are a real bitch or jerk, because many times we spend too much of our time judging them or evaluating our friend’s relationships, when this time would be better spent on evaluating ourselves.
Nothing protects or gives back more than learning our own strengths and weaknesses.Knowledge will teach us to strengthen our weaknesses, while letting up on our paranoia. Life and dating should always be about loving and enjoying because we can trust our own motives, as well as our own choices.